an open letter

Dear Blog,

I am sorry that I have neglected you over the last weeks, things have been very busy. I realize that you require my time and energy to run properly but we are at a point where just about everything requires time and energy from me in order to run smoothly. A girl can only do so many things before she falls into bed at the end of the day and although I appreciate all the great people you have introduced me to and all the friends you have helped me to make you are no match for the garden.

We are heading into the planting season and what little extra time I have is spent getting my hands and feet filthy. I love that it is warm enough to work the earth, that plants are growing and summer is coming. I would rather be outside than in most days and if I am outside I playing with dirt not typing.

So dear blog I am sorry if you are feeling abandoned, I will do my best to tend to you more closely in the coming weeks, although you have to compete with 2 boys who have very busy schedules and a garden who will demand more from me as the summer progresses rather then less. Perhaps you will be happy with pictures, lots of pictures and not to many words.

Thank you for understanding
J.

PS - there has also been some knitting but I didn't want to make you feel too jealous all at once.
PPS - just to remind you that we have been at this for 5 years this month, can you believe it!

Daily Drama

So we try around here to do our part to be more green and energy conscience, we dry our clothes on the line for as long as we possibly can without me losing a digit to frostbite. I am happy to dry my clothes on the line, happy to do a load or 2 each day and walk them to the back of the house and hang them up. Happy to do it as long and the damn clothes pins stop self destructing! Okay I can appreciate that they are inexpensive to begin with and that really there is probably no quality control inspector at the clothes pin factory but seriously to lose that many ( out of a brand new package) in one day all because of a little wind is a bit extreme as far as I am concerned. I will save my rant about my inability to buy more bamboo clothes pins for another day

Upon retrieving the boy from school today the first words out of his mouth...
C: Mom, I got hurt today
Me: I see that, what happened
C: Well I was playing water buffalo's (Water buffalo's what happened to dino's and tigers) at recess and I didn't see N. and I ran into his head with my head.
Me: oh my, is he ok?
C: Yeah I got the worst of it because I was the bigger water buffalo.
This would be the same boy who narrowly and I mean narrowly missed getting his eye poked out by his brother with a stick a few weeks ago, same eye. Good thing Children's Aid knows us already!

and just cause he is so darn cute and was having so much fun.

Helpless

My day has been consumed by something that I must speak of cryptically and as much as I want to make it better it is something that I can do nothing about.

A foster child in my town is in crisis and I want to make it all better. I want to explain to all the people involved that child is acting out because she feels as though she is not being heard. She is trying to get the adults who control her life to say that they will not abandon her. She is screaming at them to leave her and yet that is the last thing that she needs at this point. she is tryign to get people to listen and they are not really listening, well they are listening but just to the wrong things.

She needs those adults to hold her and love her and tell her no matter what she does they will not leave her. They aren't saying that. They are tired and worn out by her behaviour. They love her but are spent by the constant pushing away, she is afraid of attachment, afraid of being loved and they are at the end of their rope. Like most kids with attachment issues she is a master manipulator and is doing an excellent job at winning over people outside her home and convincing them that she is poor and mistreated.

Tragically they (the guardians) are controlled by the system and the system has to investigate the situation. I am unsure as how it will turn out, I know what is in the child's best interest may get over looked because there is only so much people can handle.

I want to make it all better but I am helpless in the situation. I have said my piece to those who would listen and now I have to sit back and watch.... it is very hard to do!

I never do this

I almost never add stuff to my blog from TV or YouTube, it's just not something I do. But I was reading at Woolyheaded this morning and she posted this, I was intrigued

Susan Boyle on Britain Got Talent
by dwarthy

It was amazing, it's always nice to see Simon try to cover his butt. Make sure you have some Kleenex nearby and then show it to your kids - what a lesson!

Spring has Sprung

It has taken awhile but spring is finally here out in the country! We had a great Easter weekend, this is from church on Sunday, Fudge is going through that "can't not make a face stage" - I'll embarrass him with them later in life.

We spent most of Sunday celebrating with friends in the city, it was a great day with tons of great food! Being Ukrainian is always a good thing during the holidays. It was inters ting to watch the boys work out what Easter meant in our house. Fudge had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that we go church for Easter, a lot of church. He kept talking about the chocolate and the Easter bunny. P and I decided to keep the chocolate to a minimum and filled eggs with lego instead. They each got only as much chocolate as they could eat in a day without getting sick and that was the deal, it all had to be gone or it was mine. It also meant that they had to get really early if
they wanted to look for eggs before church - they did and it went well. They were hyper but it was all good and they had a lot of fun.

Calvin discovered that there is no Easter bunny, which is fine with me. He caught me filling eggs one day and the gig was up. We did have to make him stop teasing Fudge though because Calvin just couldn't not tell Fudge that he was naive to believe in such a thing! He did not want to be reminded that just a few short weeks ago he still did. That being said they enjoyed the treats and now that it is over we are back to no white sugar and no candy - life is better that way.

Now that spring is here we are heading in to the garden season. I have things growing in the window upstairs and am dreaming of days in the garden. There are a few things that are already on their way. This is our asparagus patch, I started it last year from seed so we can't harvest from it till next year but I am excited. We are also going to add some more crowns to it this year so that next year we can really enjoy it! ( I had to put my hand in the pic so that you could actually see the plant) We also have some Egyptian walking onions that came from JoVE's house last year, they are well on their as well.

Oh and I didn't even tell you about the narrow misses on Friday, the boys are working on the theory of nine lives - I am sure of it.

The boys came thumping in to the house on Friday afternoon sobbing. Fudge fell and hurt his ankle. Fudge... how did you hurt your ankle? Jumping out of the barn windows he says calmly. The barn "windows" are the second story doors where one would throw the hay out into the barnyard below, it's about 10 feet up. Let's not talk about the fact that they are not allowed in the barn without an adult. Full of sympathy for the poor child I sent him back outside once I made sure he hadn't broken it. Not 10 minutes later Calvin comes in screaming about how Fudge poked him in the eye with a stick. I know what your thinking, not really in the eye, Calvin is just being dramatic. That's what I thought too, but no it actually did happen. Luckily for everyone Calvin closed his eye and Fudge hit his eyelid.

I think that childhood should be described as series of near misses.

up.

It's early here on the farm, I have been up for some time, someone was snoring... must of been the dogs. Right.

Things around here are okay, busy, exhausting at moments but we are all doing well in the general scheme of things. School seems to be going a little better, there have been some meetings with staff about behaviour and emotional verses chronological age. It seems to of helped. We have an IEP meeting this afternoon, I may feel less positive after that,
but perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised.

We are all eagerly awaiting the reappearance of spring, it was spring and then it started snowing the other day, we have had more snow in April then we did in all of March! It makes for wet kids and sad tulip bulbs. The weather is supposed to turn for the weekend and I have all my fingers crossed that it does.

I hear footsteps upstairs, it is almost as if Calvin has an internal alarm that lets him know the mornings that I am up early, he always seems to wake long before the regular time if I am awake. On that I should be off but before I go there are some pictures for ya'll.

Last weekend JoVE and Tigger came of to make pysanka, it was a lot of fun and the kids really enjoyed it. I am hoping that we can make some more before the end of the week.

ohhh, ohhh I almost forgot, if you come here because you are an adoptive parent or are interested in how adoption effects parents or you feel as though you are the only adoptive parent in the world who has wanted to strangle your sweet children you need to go and read this journal article, then you need to pass it on so that others realise that they are not the only ones. It is also available on the JSW website but you need to member or sign up to be a member and it is free from authors site. While you there read up on Beyond Consequences... it's brilliant.

Here are the pictures

It's official now!
with the california cousins

making memories

It was a lot of fun

We went bowling with friends

Some of us were not so good at rolling the ball

They loved the drum at the museum

and the puppets
and the tractors


and I loved the day old lamb, I need one or two or half a dozen

Done

Thank you for all you kind words and good wishes as we celebrated last week. It was a good day and fabulous weekend with my sister and her kids. It is quiet here this morning, very quiet and I am enjoying a latte and some silence. Here are some pictures from our weekend to entertain you while I enjoy the quiet for a few more hours.

* ETA*
Never mind, blogger doesn't seem to want to play with me today, I would have to upload the pics one at a time and I do not have the time or the patience for that. I will make it to the coffee shop tomorrow afternoona and spend some time uploading them there.

It's all good.

I have been saying that for years and this morning I found myself remembering that sometimes it is just that - all good.

I woke up this morning at 6:30, glanced out the window and saw the most beautiful sunrise, it was amazing, knowing it was going to be a long day I rolled over and got a little more sleep. The boys got up happy and excited about the coming days and it was a pleasure to get them off to school. I heard birds this morning, not just one or two but a springtime chorus of birds singing as I took the dogs outside. It was a good start to the day and caused me to stop and think for a few minutes about the last year of our lives.

Last year at this time I was plowing through a homestudy and feeding puppies at all hours. I was dreaming and wondering about kids, foster kids, adopted kids, little feet and voices in our house. I wondered what it would be like to be a parents to more then a pack of animals I called my children. Could I do it? Would I be a good Mom? Who would be here? What would there stories be?

If you had asked me then where I would today I probably would not of known what to say. Life has a way of taking the path you least expect when you least expect it. When the social worker first told of us the boys I said no - I didn't want a separated sibling group, I wanted the whole group. Then she told us again about them and I let go of my expectations, I let go of what I thought about what it was that I wanted and I decided to trust that whatever kids ended up here were the ones that needed to be here. I heard more about my boys, more about their story, the things that they would needed, the things they liked and the things they disliked and I knew that these were the boys for us.

In July we met 2 sweet boys, one very scared of yet another move and one who needed to fill the silence with his words and actions. Those little boys needed a family and we were it. 2 weeks later they moved in. It has been a long 8 months, it has not been easy and I never for a moment thought it would be but I do not regret a minute of it either.

Calvin helped me hang laundry on the line today and I thought to myself about how far he has come in the last few months, what a different little boy he is now. Fudge got organised with a minimal amount of prompting yesterday - a huge step for him - he ahs changed so much from the little boy who wouldn't even talk to me when we met. They have grown in the last 8 months, physically of courses, as all children do. But more importantly emotionally, they are more sure of themselves, many behaviours have disappeared or only come out when they are stressed. They believe us when we say that they are staying, they don't ask when they are moving anymore. They are excited to meet new family and friends instead of just terrified, like they were in the summer. They look forward to and talk about our future together as a family. It's all good.

Tomorrow we go to court, we get the stamps and that is it, they will be ours or we will be theirs depending on your point of view. It's going to be a good day with lots of celebrating and enjoying being together. My sister is coming from sunny California and we will gather with family and friends to celebrate again on Friday.

I'll be back next week with pictures and such. It's family first around here for the next few days. It's all good though.

Because she is fabulous

She, being my older sister (who is flying here all the way from sunny CA next week to be here for the boys adoption day) asked me to tell you all about this really fun thing that my BIL is doing. Since he's a great guy and since it is a fun project I think you should click on through and take a look. If you are a twitter addict you might really like some of the cool stuff you can do using both programs, go read the blog to find out more.
The kid channel is lots of fun if you have small people who like little bits of songs or have short attention spans ( not that I would know any of those).

spring madness

Spring has sprung here and that means that I would rather be outside than in at the computer, that and it is March Break which means that the boys are home, which means I am outside.

We all survived camp and had lots fun and way to much sugar! We are having a fairly quiet week around here. Epic games of monopoly, seed planting, dentist appts for me and Calvin ( I now have some very pricey crowns that I have needed for a long time and C is about to get a retainer), therapy and yesterday we went out with firends to Mer Bleu and watch chickadees eat seed out of the boys hands - fantastic! (I'll show you as soon as S. emails me the pictures - hint, hint, hint)

To keep you amused here are some pictures - there has been lots of talk about adoption day this week and the conversations cause much stress that is then relieved in typical little boy fashion - being silly. This was Monday night.

In 10 minutes or less.

I have 10 minutes to post and then I have to get myself out the door because Fudge has play therapy this morning and then Calvin has attachment therapy this afternoon and I am insane for booking them both in the same day - there really wasn't any other choices this week. I wanted to post though so here I am.

• Tara was here from Sudan I drove into the big city for dinner and knitting. It was great fun. I miss knitting with friends but the drive seems like such a long one now that I am busy with small people.
• The sock that I have been knitting since July now has a heel, yes since July. There has been little knitting around here.
• Fudge told us last night that he "purple diarrhea", we were a little taken aback and then realised he meant verbal diarrhea. He also told P. that the violence in the guided imagery on his ipod needed to be changed. P was confused and talked to him about the violence and where it was in the recording - he meant violin.
• I got to go seed shopping with Jo and company this weekend, I love planning the garden, it makes me happy for spring.
• We are going to cub camp this weekend, I am bringing my pillow ( new and very comfy) and buying some earplugs to block out the snoring leaders.
• We had some lovely spring like weather this weekend and I was lulled into a false sense of spring. It snowed yesterday and will be cold again later this week.
• It looks as though (cross your fingers) the adoption will go through at the end of the month, the paperwork has all now been filed and we are just waiting for a time to show up. We keep telling the boys the boys that they will stamp our family name on their foreheads, they don't believe us.
• Calvin earned his badge at cubs this week, if I had known how happy it would make him I would of pushed him a little harder to get it done. Nothing like seeing a little man very proud of his accomplishments.

There's more but time is up, I'll be back but probably not before spending a weekend sleeping on the floor.

this ones good!

Let me set the stage:

A sunny but cold Sunday afternoon in the country, 2 boys are playing nicely in the yard of the old farm house. The dogs are barking at the kids and Mom is in the house making dinner. Mom decided to take advantage of the calm while the roast cooks and heads upstairs to watch the remainder of last nights movie ( the one that got turned off due to exhaustion) She is happily watching the movie with P, she hears the children come in and out a few times but they are happy. The movie ends, she decides to change into a t shirt and just as she is doing that the bedroom door flies open - the child is reminded that closed doors mean that you need to knock first. The child clothes the door and knocks, I say to wait, he says it's really important!!!! I need you right now. We leave the bedroom wondering they have gotten themselves into this time.

"Fudge is bleeding" Calvin says ( remember he is Calvin for reason)
"Why is Fudge bleeding? " I ask calmly
"Because he stuck his tongue to the metal pole"
" He did WHAT!"
By which point I had reached Fudge and he was indeed bleeding, he didn't just stick his tongue to the cold metal pole he stuck his tongue and his lip to the pole and then pulled himself off. We calmed him down, got the bleeding to slow a bit so we could asses the damage and as the crisis passed I asked Fudge if he knew what would happen when he stuck his tongue on a cold metal pole - wait for it...

"Yes" he says " I did it once at school when I was 5"
"So what on earth would make you do it again" says the reasonably calm parent.
"Calvin told me to" he says

Fudge got ice cream for dinner.

Calvin is in trouble, Calvin knew damn well what he was up to. Calvin has to clean the boys room, he is banned from the playroom for a week and had to surrender his new favourite stuffie. I think, given that he did not have a tantrum as the punishment was decided, (with his input) that he understands that he made a really poor choice this time around.

hurmph

Still feeling under the weather, not so much sick anymore as just miserable, grouchy and tired ( no smart comments about that is the way I normally am). The boys also have the cold so we are going through tissue around here like it is going out of style. But we shall survive.

Things have been busy, there are lots of scouting things going on and school seems to be demanding a great deal from the boys as teachers try to get the last of the marks they need to have for report cards next month. It is wearing thin for the boys and they are showing their displeasure with the amount of work by beating up on other kids for looking at them sideways.

They are a bit of a force when they gang up on someone else, I wouldn't want to be the one getting hit. That being said I certainly am not encouraging the behaviour but am at a bit of a loss when it comes to getting them to stop. I think that the school should be doing something and they are not really doing much at all except lecturing them. That is bit like lecturing a puppy not to chew, it is what they do, they aren't going to stop just because you say to. The boys will defend one another at all costs because one another has been the only constant in the last 3 years of their lives.

Yesterday I got called in to talk to the teacher after school ( never a good sign) both boys were in trouble for various things. Then it came out later that they had also got in a fight with another kid at recess but didn't get caught ( he is a bit if a bully as was probably just as guilty so he didn't tell). We feel strongly that aside from talking about behaviour things that happen at school need to be dealt with at school otherwise the boys will always be in trouble. Yesterdays events were fairly serious and yet nothing was really done, standard school consequences but they seem to be willing to give the boys a break because of who they are and what they have been through.

So they spent yesterday afternoon playing separately until dinner and then once P was home we spoke to them each on their own about what had happened and about respecting other peoples space and such. It went well with Fudge, not so much with Calvin and surprise, surprise Calvin really didn't want to go to school this morning. Yes we have talked about home schooling as a piece of the solution but Calvin really needs to learn to be socially appropriate ( I know there are other ways to do that as well), Fudge loves school most of the time and I don't know if I am up to it.

I am at a bit of a loss, anyone out there got any creative ideas for getting kids to stop hitting?

ick

Fudge very generously shared last weeks cold with me and the rest of the family. He is on the mend and the rest of us are declining quickly. I am off to bed with a cup of tea, knitting and some chick flicks while to boys are at school. It is days like this that make me happy I am not homeschooling because I really need a nap and it is only 9:20.

still working

The washer is spinning, wrrrr, wrrr, wrrr, making all the sounds it should be making. I am reading blogs and drinking coffee. The wrrr, wrrr, wrrr, stops, then starts, I wonder why that happened then it happened again and again. By the 4th time I started to worry, the last thing we need is to have broken washer. I head upstairs to check it out. Fudge is standing in front of the washer, I ask what he is doing, he says " I was trying to see how it works but every time I opened the lid it stops" The washer isn't broken, Fudge is disappointed, laundry continues.



Fudge is home today, he woke in the night sound like a dying seal, almost croupy (is that a word? ) I gave him his puffer and settled both the boys back to bed, he got up this morning and had a mild fever, still sounded like his lungs wanted to leave his body. I kept him home, he seems fine until he coughs or sneezes... I'll give him to the end of the day and then decided whether he is sick or not.

We had a good weekend, yesterday was Family Day ( a new holiday here) and we went into the city to make snow angels at the hill. The idea was to get kids to make snow angels to represent all the kids in care in Eastern Ontario, it was a good idea, but there was not enough for the kids to do once they finished their angels. We came home and headed to a friends house where the boys ate way to many marshmallows and thought that walking over a hot coals in their winter boots might be a good idea (the boots and boys survived).

P solved my laptop issues by getting me a new one for valentines day, I got him a mug, he got me a laptop - alas it is a very nice new toy and all the keys work. Now comes the huge job of transferring the files from the old computer, which has all the files and pictures from the computer before that one as well. I also needed to get a new Internet card. We use Rogers wireless to have internet at home, to make a very long story short. I spent 105 minutes on the phone with customer service on Saturday, that is almost 2 hours standing in a Rogers store with my 2 children to get a new piece of hardware so that I can get online. I did get what I wanted and boys were amazingly well behaved but the 50 or so silly pictures of them on the model iphone will be amusing to someone at some point.

I am off to do laundry... good times.

protection

As a parent there is only so much I can do to protect the boys from the big scary world. We have spent the last 2 weeks fighting the "system" to protect Fudge from something we did not feel was in his best interest. It seems to of worked but the battle isn't quiet over yet, I also can't really talk about it here but lets just all cross our fingers and hope our fighting for what is best for him has worked.

But then there are the choices he makes all on his own, the ones I can't protect him from. At Beavers last night we made valentines for people we love and some paper flowers. Fudge is not in my group so I didn't know who he made his for till we got home

F - Mom can I leave my flowers in the car so I won't forget them
Me - Why in the car bug, who are they for?
F - Hazel
me - Who's Hazel?
F- She a girl at school, I keep telling her that I love her and she always says ewww gross and runs away. You said to make the flowers for someone you love.
me - Oh, well you better bring them in because I don't know whose car you'll be going in tomorrow. ( cause what do you say to that!)

The poor little guy, I was hoping he might forget about them between last night and this morning but the first thing out of his mouth was "where did you move the flowers to Mom?" I moved them out of the reach of the dogs but perhaps if they had eaten them the poor little guy would have a easier day at a school.

Sometimes wearing your heart on the outside makes life really hard.

you think that perhaps we have to much wine...

It's 10:15 am, Fudge just brought me a plastic glass full of wine - it took everything I had not to laugh at him. We started buying Naked Grape in boxes recently, smaller footprints, environmental choices and all that jazz. The boys have been told they are not to to touch the boxes, they have both tried it out, playing with the tap portion and moved on. That being said, the box is on the counter in the kitchen, in plain view. I heard Calvin, saying "no Fudge, your going to get in trouble!" but I ignored it, Calvin remembered that they are not supposed to play with it, Fudge disregarded the the warning and went ahead. Wanting to do something nice for me, nothing like a large plastic cup of wine first thing in the morning!

Did I mention that it is a snow day and they are both home all day.

My weekend, in pictures

Left to Right

• P thought burning the house down might be a fun way to start off the weekend, thank God for smoke detectors, we need a new frying pan
• peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, need I say more
• We got a new bed this weekend, it was supposed to be a king but the stairs didn't want to play that game so we had to go down a size, it was going to take another 10 days but i came close to tears at the store and all of a sudden there was one for us. Now we have a queen with a king size quilt which is something we had been talking about for awhile anyway.
• The delivery guys scratched up the stairs, i had to fix the paint, not really their fault it is crappy paint.
• Calvin went to a cub thing on Saturday, he didn't put on his snow pants and came home with boots so wet they were dripping - I am not sure exactly how this happened, that he got that wet but he did.
• Wine, Naked Grape in a box = happy
• It warmed up here yesterday, this fell off our house, that is my foot, a size 8 to give you a sense of how big it is.
• Clay is good for my monkeys
• Knitting is good for me, no matter how small the project.
• more clay, the other boy did that one
• Board games, also good fun on a Saturday afternoon.

Random Wednesday but on Thursday because I did not have minute to myself yesterday.

• It's still winter, I am mostly tired of winter and it is not really even close to over yet.
• It's Feb., P is a therapist, people are sad and tired of winter and he is very busy, that makes me sad and tired but it happens every year at this time.
• We went sledding last week, it was super fun, the boys were impressed that I got on a sled too.
• We bought a new bed last week, it comes tomorrow, I am beyond excited about it, yes it's just a bed but a nice bed and I thin that this is first time I have ever actually gone out and bought the bed I wanted. Shopping for it with Calvin and Fudge was amusing to say the very least.
• I yelled at Calvin this morning over something really dumb, Calvin loses it when we yell at him. I feel bad but I am human and he was really pissing me off. I will not be surprised when the school calls and tells me he has hurt another kid and needs to come home.
• My GP is driving me crazy, anyone local know a reasonably competent dr. who is taking patients, I know that is a rare occurrence in Ontario but I thought I might ask.
• I am in a knitting funk, to tired to follow a pattern but I have been spinning some this week.
• The school board has still not taken me out of the computer and my cell phone keeps ringing with requests for me to go and teach.
• My day today needs to include talking to almost every member of the team that supports the boys as we try to iron out the last of the adoption details.
• My coffee cup is empty, I need to make something else hot to drink because it is winter and cold.
• The boys have decided that making tea for us is a good idea, I mostly support it but I am a bit concerned about Fudge and the kettle, it might end badly.
• I think I should make tea and go spin, it will calm me down.